My self love journey was not easy, but is it ever?
For this story I will not be starting at the beginning but rather right when things were at the darkest for me, just know this, I came from a broken home and this broken home is what set me on this path from innocence to hate, and from hate to here….
Middle school is where I truly learned what self hate was and boy did I master it. Up until this point I would only occasionally say hurtful things about myself but overall I was pretty happy, yea I had my ups and downs but don’t we all? In middle school I lost most of my happiness, I was angry, I was numb and depressed, I was anorexic.
I turned to anorexia for the obvious reason that I thought *knew* that I was fat, I hated the person in the mirror looking back at me. But I turned to it for another reason, I wanted to DIE!
Pills, too easy.
Gun, too messy.
Starving myself, perfect!
I wanted to FEEL, even if this meant being in pain. I didn’t care how long or slow the process was, in fact, the longer and slower the better. I was punishing myself for things out of my control, but this, THIS was in my control, and control it I did!
500 calories was a good day, 900 was a bad day. I counted everything that went into my body, I even counted high just to make sure I wasn’t going over my calorie limit. My small group of friends eventually let my secret out of the bag. I remember being at home when my mother came in angry at me, why would I want to die, why would I/could I do this to HER, let alone myself…
After that, I got better at hiding it. Hell, I even tried to stop and work on myself for a time being. But the feelings, the thoughts, the talks, they were all still there.
They made a reappearance in high school, again I set my calorie limits and stuck to them but this time a daily ritual of negative self talk would also come with it. I would look into the mirror and point out all of my flaws, everything I hated about myself, I would do this for as long as it would take to say everything that was wrong with me physically and mentally.
Senior year is about when the anorexia stopped, that is until I was out on my own. Once I got my own place, no curfew, no rules, things started to change. The boys I would hang out with thought it was funny to call me fat, they knew it was a trigger and they played it perfectly, I was 125 pounds. Whenever we would go out to eat they would kindly remind me of my looks with a smirk on their faces. I would only get a salad and water when they would pull this stunt, again starting down the path of anorexia.
During this time, I taught the younger girls how to be Masters of self hate. I would stand in the mirror with them going flaw for flaw. They would say one thing they hated about themselves then I would go. This would last a few minutes to a hour depending on how deep down this path they wanted to go, it was up to them. Once they ended our little game, I would say one more thing about myself just so I could *win*
I graduated in 2007, it is now 2019 and have only been on this self love journey for about 5 years, that is how long I lived in the depths of hate as its Master.
So how did the Master of Hate get to be where she is? A lot of fucking hard work, a lot of stumbles, therapy, and by surrounding myself with people that care!
One of the first things I did was force myself to stand in the mirror naked and tell myself one positive thing a day. This transformed into me doing my hair and makeup in the nude, my thought was if I could just stand to see myself naked every day that I would learn to accept my body for what it is. Guess, what? It worked! This is a practice I still do to this day!
Then I turned my focus on fueling my body and feeding my soul. I no longer look at food the same way, it no longer controls me! I have turned to fitness to help release my anger, clear my mind, and put me in a positive head space. I practice spiritual work with the chakras, yoga, and crystals to calm my soul and stay centered.
The final thing I did, dump the trash! Yes, kick the negative people out of your life the best that you can! There will be people that you can’t get rid of, don’t focus on their negativity, instead focus on your positivity! Surround yourself with high vibe, positive people, even if it is just via social media networks. Honestly, some of the most kind people I have *met* I have never actually met in person! However, these people are part of my foundation and continue to push me towards leading and living a positive and happy life!
Yes, I have set backs. Yes, I have negative thoughts occasionally. Yes, I may not love everything about myself at a given moment, but moments pass!
A the end of the day…
I will continue to hold my head up high!
I will continue to be proud of where I came from!
I will continue to fight for my right at happiness!
I will continue to be a positive figure!
I will spread love and light!
I will be myself!
I will love me!
If you are suffering from self hate please know that you are not alone and that you will get through this! My journey was long, it was painful, and it is ever going but trust me on this, the rewards are well worth it and you deserve it ❤
*If you are thinking about suicide please don’t hesitate for help. The Suicide Prevention hotline is available 24 hours a day every day at 1-800-273-8255*